Cass and I--A Short But Vital Story

SHE TRUSTED ME, I guess.

We met socially and under the strict conditions that everything was confidential. (Sort of).

Nobody had any agenda, especially me. She knew what I did and I know what she did and we were cool with that. I didn't expect anything nor even wanted to encourage anything and if anyting happened otherwise, then OK, nobody is compromised. It's all out in the open.

We met in a quirky, almsot funny manner. Like Woody Allen material, funny. I was on BART heading into the city to meet up with a shrink who was a good friend of a friend. A person who knew about my issues in life and called me one day out of the blue and told me to go get help. They could see I was depressed and despondent and only barely functional and operative and they insisted for me to talk to someone. I was hesitant at first but I agreed to go, I'm a big boy, I can handle anything, plus, well, talking was cool and I could use the help. I wasn't totally down but I needed some therapy and I was emotionally a wreck so why not. Right? Right.

So I'm downtown one day and headed up to the Sutter-Stockton area, near Union Square. I remember distinctly that area where all the doctors buildings are because years ago I went with my mother to escort her to the office. It was always on a Thursday morning. Remember it like yesterday.

So before I go to the therapist, I had time. Lots of time. I didn't want to be late so I stopped by a coffee place and had a cup. Had thirty minutes to kill. I was dressed in a suit and tie which is standard fare for me since after the session (thirty minutes) I figured I'd be dressed and professional looking in case I should want to relax and chill before going back to Oakland. Logical.

Cassie (not her real name) was sitting in the back of the place. I went back to use the boy's room and took a glance and smiled innocuously, nothing weird or outrageous, I swear. As I came out, she was still there reading a book, checking her phone, (naturally) and all the while, I'm at the front checking my watch and taking a more extended look at her. I wasn't staring at her, mind you, more just a concentrated glance. But she definately noticed and that made it sort of awkward so I went over and tried to explain.

"Look," I told her, "I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable, I'm sorry, you just kind of stood out." She began laughing and told me it was cool and no need to apologize, her words.

I went into improvise gear. No reason why but I figured I had nothinng to lose and it was getting near the time of my appt. with the therapist. "Miss, I told her (Cass) I have a 'business meeting' (bullshit) with a friend and I need to go--'I know this is crazy but can you stay here or can I meet you in 45 minutes? You look really cool and incredibly real."

She said she had to go back to work but that maybe we could meet later for a beer at some other place. Fine. She had a ring on. I told her I didn't want to get her in trouble (as if were going to split and go to her place). She started laughing again. Like a real huge laugh.

She told me not to worry and that she had a relationship and that we were just meeting, it was cool. Nothing more than that. I agreed. She asked if I could meet at 4: 30, she was getting off work early. My appt. was 3: 30 (the real meeting not the shrink meeting) so that would work.

So I leave and head to the therapist for d-day. It was a generic-looking office. Upstairs on the 5th-floor in one of those offices. I walked in, provided my insurance info to the office assistant, filled out papers and met the therapist. Clinical therapist. Nice lady, I went in and sat down. Nothing out of the extreme but I immediately knew there was no way I was going to connect with this person--there was just this instant lack of interest (on my part), and why kid myself, I thought. She was nice and friendly but there was no use to carry on and she felt it as much. I figured if I told her right away she'd understand and let me go and get on with her own end of day. Mind you, yes, the woman at the coffee place was on my mind but at the same time, I felt a total disconnect with the doctor. Right away. Why bullshit, I thought and I told her. The doctor appreciated my honesty and said everything was fine and that if I changed my mind, give her a call and we could meet.

I got a text from Cass. She was running late (naturally) and that she'd be there but not unti 5, at least. Wonderful, what was I to do but I really had no choice and given that I didn't even meet with the therapist, oh well, go with it.

It was 4: 50 already and she (Cass) was nowhere to be seen. I was Ok with that, well, not OK, but I figured it was a chance encounter anyway and that she'd probably forget me and went her way and that was that. 4: 50 became 5 and then 5 became 5: 15 and I was heading out the door. Then, suddenly,...

"Hey mister, where are you going?" "Cass?!" And before you knew it, she was there. Out of nowhere.

We sat down at the middle of the bar. She apologized for being late and that she had a client that could only meet her at a certain time and that she had to be there. I told her it was all good and that it was great for us to meet and have a drink, no issues whatsover. After all, I didn't really know her and vice-versa, right? Bingo.

"What do you do?", she asked. "PR and communications, media-wise", I said. "What do you do," I asked her. "I'm a therapist" No way I thought. I began laughing uncontrollably.

She looked at me increduously, as if I was some guy from another universe. At this point I just had another sip of the beer and carried on. Didn't say a word and thought this could only happen to me.

"You know what, I'm going to be frank with you, Cass, this whole thing makes no sense." A. how me met. B. the idea that I cancelled out on a shrink (partly to be here) and C. here I am meeting this woman and, turns out, she's a shrink! Is this real? It is.

I fessed up and gave her the truth and that there was no business meeting and that I was meeting with a professional. And that my life was screwed up and that I was dealing with severe depression and that all this needed to come out and that's the truth.

She had another serious look and another laugh too. She said this was quite an encounter and that I looked normal and that on the surface she'd have never considered me having any issues in my life. I told her I was a good actor and could internalize some things, but truth be told, I had complications and that I was really fucked up.

She was a professional at that point and told me, of course, that she was unable to really talk specifically as a code of conduct. So again, I didn't know what to think anymore. Should I have kept my mouth shut and just carried on? Sure but I didn't. Besides, she already had a boyfriend anyway and we met in a totally freakish way. It was good thinking on my part to be honest.

She asked me more generic things; we did a little idle chit-chat. I had another beer. She had a second glass of wine. It was weird again, but in a good way. I had no agenda, just thought she was really attractive and had an amazing smile. And damn, she's in a relationship. My luck but whatever. I'm a troubled sob anyway, it's just as well. I expected her to leave because day was becomming night and I started to feel morose. For no good reason but that's me.

"Cass, what's the deal, you're still here, don't you have a significant other in your life?" She told me they were having a little trouble in their relationship and decided to take a pause. She also told me she cared for the guy but that it wasn't anything more than a really close friendship.

I was perplexed over all of this. I didn't know what to make of it but I also didn't want to go deep into detail. Too old for that. She was beautiful, probably in her mid-to-late 30's , 40's, but I don't know ages well these days. In any event, she still wasn't leaving. "You tryin' to 'kick me out?'" "Well, no, but don't you have a life? (Giggles) Me: "I sure as hell don't." (More mutual laughs).

I know what you're thinking now. I was tempted to go all out but I'm older now and didn't need any more drama in my life so I did my best to defer. It wasn't as if she was making any direct move on me (so to speak) and I wasn't in any way shape or form hitting on her. Seriously. I know it's hard to believe but it was straight A business and no you-know-what which was fine with me both because it added to the overall allure and I (she too) seemed to like the fact that I wasn't directly trying to...

We left. She went her separate way. I got a card but I didn't call her because I just didn't have the will. Maybe I'm a fool, (of course) and figured it was just as well. I also reckoned that had I told her all of my various issues, she'd have nothing to do with me anyway and I don't need another broken heart. Don't need anymore rejection (story of my life) and that I'd had enough. Paging Woody Allen.

It probably could have taken place but I'm a fatalist, I'm jinxed. Like the Patrick Swayze character (Sam) in Ghost--when good things happen, suddenly, bad things happen.

I miss Cass quite a bit. She seemed so nice and cool. And we seemed to laugh a lot and she appeared to like me but life thinks otherwise. Which is, (probably) just as well.