THIS YEAR WAS DIFFERENT.The empty Seder table.
Actually, no Seder at all. I couldn't bear it, mom's not here; Aunt Claire too.
Passover: 2018.
Both my sisters called and asked me to go to dinner but I wasn't in the mood and didn't have the heart to go out. I'm still kind of numb. I'm taking this hard and Passover only makes it worse. I feel bad too because it sounds sort of selfish; a "pity party" one of my sisters chided.
Yeah, I'm guilty of that, so now what? Mother's Day will be harder too. What am I supposed to do when I lost my best friend and soul mate? Pretend that "I'm getting over it" and try to move on. It's been only three weeks but it still feels like yesterday. Which reminds me just a month ago she was fine and lucid; smiling and looking and acting like she was getting better and was ready to come home. Which she clearly was; I remember distinctly telling her, "mom, we're gonna have a special Passover this year!"
I was elated and smiling that last Friday in February. But I was also scared too because I didn't want to jinx the situation. But, dammit, she looked and sounded so strong. And the smile was back and she was eating again too. God, she's so strong. I called her the Iron lady; "I asked her, 'mom, how do you do it'"? She gave me that look she always gave me, like, "I dunno." She reassured me. I thought she'd beat it again. The Iron lady of Brooklyn wasn't ready to go yet, life was still left and mom would see to it.
I felt so great that Friday but I was also guarded. I knew things could change. And they did.
Passover: not this year.
Emptiness and lots of crying. It hurts. Damn, it still hurts.
Miss you so much mom.
Rich, you are entitled to grieve in any manner you want. Everyone likely reacts differently to the loss of a parent, in particular a mother. You will eventually work through the grief process and emerge on the other side a stronger and better man. I know, having lost my mother on November 19, 2002 at the age of 87. No Thanksgiving that year and each subsequent years celebration is subdued. Nonetheless I carry on with life and you will too. Take care.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Jim. Had my difficult Easter in 2015 after losing my D-Day+3 grandfather. I overcame that, and the loss of a Colombian-born cousin-in-law in July. Stay close to the philanthropic readers that financially support you the most. Bet there's some genuine friendships among those who donate.
ReplyDeleteRich, I know the feeling. We invested so much of ourselves in caring for our mom that when she passed, it was as if the rug had been pull out from under us. We always thought she would make it out of the hospital. Realizing she was gone, we just had to continue on and honor her at her memorial. It is hard; it should be if the bond of love was strong.
ReplyDeleteyour mother sounds like a great woman, wish i could have met her
ReplyDeletei have no fancy words of comfort for you so i will resort to prayer. Boruch Dayan Ha Emet...
ReplyDeleteRich, I lost my mom 13 years ago next month. For the first six weeks, I felt like my arms weighed 100 pounds each. It was probably six months before I could think of her and smile instead of want to cry. Give yourself time. What you're going through is perfectly natural.
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel. Lost my mother 5 1/2 months ago. Am dreading Mother's Day. How does one celebrate a holiday named after a loved one who is no longer here? I live each day as it is and look forward to the day when I can think of her and not cry. We were very close which makes it that much harder. Hang in there, Rich.
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