'Tigerness' is America; Sunday cup of coffee

When the first alert hit my computer screen about Tiger Woods being in an accident and in "serious condition," my initial reaction was one of fear and angst. Gees, I thought to myself, I hope he's OK.

It reminded me a lot of Michael Jackson. The Internet is good at getting the news out, (whatever that means) but very much lacks in detail and real information. Nevertheless, I had a 'jacko moment the instant Tiger's affair was public.

As the ensuing "news" of what took place began to disseminate and the story took a very sudden and predictable turn, I had began to settle down and ultimately realize this was the beginning, the making of, we'll, the embodiment of all of us.

We are the essence of, I'll call it "Tigerness." Tigerness is modern-day America. We are officially ingrained in the celebrity culture. It is our comfort zone. It is the machine that, figuratively speaking, defines our communications zone.

Tigerness has all the players fit for our present virtues. Sex. Lots of that. Celebrity. Icon. Adultery, and that's just for starters. Haven't even mentioned "media". "News cycle" comes to mind. Jokes, lots of jokes. "Internet pictures." Have you seen 'em? Of course you have because they began appearing within the day that Tigerness evolved. God, it was the day after Thanksgiving. Black Friday couldn't even truncate Tigerness. How American.

How perfectly apt a national phenomena like Tigerness defines our culture. Nothing inherently wrong with that notation; hell, I'm a particle of the remnants of Tigerness. We all are, to some degree. We are the consumers of what they feed us and we lap it up like puppy dogs. We can't help ourselves. We thrive on this type of shit. Its our collective nirvana.

Our President gave a speech on his directive to send an additional 30,000 troops to Afghanistan, but all everyone was talking or joking about was Tigerness. Imagine what one of those special-tactic marine must have been thinking in one of those caves in Kabul, when word got down that Tigerness was topic A in the states. I'm sure he had an ironic chuckle.

Tigerness superseded the war(s) in the Middle East; Tigerness, for the moment, ran over the top mast of the newspapers detailing the latest unemployment figures. Tigerness took health-care out of the top and drop-kicked it to the back of the page.

Again, by golly, we loved it. We sat down and took in three Larry King programs, four Greta specials. We began listening to tapes and "voice-mail" messages, which you know, only made Tigerness that much better, but what the hell, this is what we live for.

We live for US Weekly and TMZ. We can't help ourselves and they know it. They keep force-feeding it to us and we keep breathing it all in, like when we go to the dentist and ask for extra gas. "Pleeeeeze", if the dentist happens to say no, and then, he relents and gives us our fix.

That is Tigerness. Check your e-mail box today for the latest joke. Ha-ha, "clubbin'!" Get it? Hey Amy, she hit him with a driver! Ha ha! Did you hear the news? Tiger changed his name. He's now a cheetah! Ha ha!

Meanwhile, back in the other news...the celebrity White House gate crashers...President Obama visited a tech center in recession-heavy Ohio...Senator Max Baucus speculated that the "option"-portion of the health-care bill...Niners offense under Alex Smith looked great...some Raiders fans paid for a billboard on 880 extolling Al Davis to hire a 'GM...looks like a week's worth of storms are lined up on the Pacific coast...No more talk of a drought...

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20 questions for Bay Area media; but probably won't get answered

1. Just how many times will the word, "dude" encompass an entire KNBR morning show? (Conversely, will "dude" be as prevalent as the 18 million sound "drops" on said radio morning show?)

2. How many giggles per hour for KGO radio morning news anchor Jennifer Jones?

3. Will Steve Moskowitz ever sever his financial commitment to virtually every radio/TV outlet in the Bay Area, thereby shutting down virtually every radio/TV station in the nine-county Bay Area?

4. Speaking of giggles, how many times will the KNBR Noon-3PM gigglers, (Flunkster dude and "Rod, 'I'm anal and pissed 24/7 for no apparent reason'-Brooks", cackle at their very own "jokes?"

5. At what point in any given broadcast, will KRON4's weather chick Darya Folsom acknowledge the obvious? (Ok, so I had to go there, but according to insiders, there's a lot more)

6. Will the Bay Guardian take a deep breath and once and for all quit searching for a 'Watergate story at City hall? I mean, there's probably some dirt somewhere, but you guys have been looking for twenty years and the best you can do is a Frank Jordan shower? Get back to us if you can find some pictures of Gavin Newsom and the cast of "Fox& Friends" in the buff with Sean Hannity.

7. Yo, KRON, how many more on-air talent will you call into the bosses office after another leak describing in detail how man times you, A. screwed with their heads and berated their work any given day, B. dispel the talk inside the newsroom of the "who's screwing whom?" (literally,) C. run a real sportscast with same-day sports highlights as opposed to day-old footage, d. was the Tommys Joynt XMAS party tab from '07 paid off?

8. Will Eve Batey of SF Appeal get off her high horse, (as if she was Catherine Graham) and stop dissing everyone else's work, (including mine); uh, Eve, just because you were once an editor at the Chronicle doesn't automatically make you Helen Thomas.

9. Oh, Henry Tannenbaum? KRON4 Simple: How the hell can you live with yourself? I mean, ok, so maybe you have a few coaches and some comped magnolia plants, but seriously Hank, are you aware of the rep out there? Hell, even I have a better rep than you, garden boy.

10. Will the on-line digitalista, (my word) please quit trying desperately to finger Phil Bronstein and admit to the obvious? Most all of 'yus are just damn plain jealous that Bronstein was married to Sharon Stone, has a ton of dough, writes better prose than most of you can scribble in a lifetime, and lives lavish and large. If you're going to hit, at least have the balls to take a hit back.

11. Will KTVU/Fox2 ever produce a mediocre "10 O'Clock News"? Ever?

12. Will Rita Williams ever resort to doing a story about the lack of canned hams at Christmas time at the Castro Safeway?

13. Will Gary Radnich finally admit to the story making the rounds that his 9-Noon gig at KNBR is being groomed for the 7-10 PM guy who is fresher, funnier, and most importantly, CHEAPER, which in radio these days is a sexy word.

14. Speaking of Gair Radnich, will the guy that rates your male rep based on whether you had a good family and if you have kids, ever cop to exactly WHY he took the Comcast gig with Willie Brown?

15. Will Ralph Barbieri actually sell his soul for a cheese-only Ameci's pizza instead of an exclusive with Barry Bonds?

16. The next time Mike Singletary of the 49ers has his "press briefing", will the spineless Bay Area sports media admit that the big guy coach has them INTIMIDATED up the ying-yang? (Yo Mike, you're stoic and pissed; the team's lost three in a row, and your O-coordinator has about as much imagination as a "Golden Girls" re-run--what sez you?)

17. Will KQED ever commit to a LOCAL newscast? Oh sure, the "we-have-no-money" bull has been their mantra for decades now, but '86 the stupid restaurant show and dump a few "This weeks in North Ca" and you have the dough to produce a half-hour news broadcast. Not that we'd automatically switch from a Seinfeld re-run, but it beats another 56 pledge breaks.

18. Will CBS5's Anna Werner STOP trying to imitate Mike Wallace, a la "60 minutes" fame? Anna, the days of confrontation-TV camera in your face were long gone when Wallace nabbed that crooked southern car dealer about ten years back. Your station already semi-ripped off 60 Min's with a half-baked "30 minutes" so please...the password is "stale."

19. Will Jan Wahl ever NOT like a musical and wax poetic about the latest "wonder" from Emily Dickinson? Jan, read the room! Go out and gorge on a box of large popcorn and go nuts on a Vince Vaugn fart film, for god's sake. Laughter is the greatest form of therapy!

20. Will someone please examine the inner chasm of the entire news operation at KRON? Like soon. I hear of daily horror stories and a GM that makes Congressman John Boehner look positively giddy. Matier and Ross? Yo, dudes, get out the pen and paper and descend to 1001 Van Ness. Don't follow the money; there is no money at Channel 4, but the stories are nice , gooey, and damn intoxicating if true and at least half of them have to be.

**A note from KAREL: "It was a year ago this week I uttered those famous words about the
plumber on KGO. I miss the signal, and the
audience and maybe three of the people. The rest? Radio history."