*Any anchor who tells the TV reporter ending an in-studio package "OK, thanks, Jill" should be sent to Bakersfield. One of the most annoying things in TV News. "Thanks?" For what? Doing their job. How about a nod and get on with your look at the teleprompter, for crying out loud! Thanks.
*Ban all song parodies on local radio shows. That would mean unemployment for one of the morons on KNBR's "Murph and Mac" which wouldn't be such a bad thing. Furthermore 100 out of 100 times the song parody really sucks which makes an otherwise lousy mess an extra otherwise lousy mess. Do a song parody? All expenses-paid ticket to Gitmo.
*No more interviewee begins talking to anchor by using the word, "so"...really one of the most irritating, lazy, disgusting, trends that has infected the souls out there, mostly the all-star assholes known as millennials. Women are the worst. Anchor: "Barbara, tell us about your study." Barbara: "So, we began research...." Hey Barbara, I got your "so" right here.
*The all-encompassing leader in the clubhouse, "AT THE END OF THE DAY" has quietly taken a sudden respite but it is still being yapped aloud, mostly by pundits and sports radio talk-show hosts, especially locally. Give a listen to Radnich who still says it off and on endlessly as does his moronic sidekick, Larry Krueger, who while talking out of both sides of his mouth and lecturing, is known for a few "At the end of the days"--wanna make 50 bucks? Bet Krueger says it on any given show and you'll win which will get you a decent meal at Tadich.
*Every local radio outlet bans ALL "Kars for Kids" jingles which now pollutes most of Northern, Central, and Southern California and by exposing this musical fungus to the citizens has created a pandemic worse than Cholera.
*KCBS, can Jan Wahl's shitty and disgusting movie reviews on Friday, immediately. Jan might be a cool woman and I'm sure she's quite warm and fuzzy in person but her obnoxious, talent-impaired "reviews" sound like some bored yenta in Boca Raton waxing poetic about her manicure and pedicure. Makes we want to puke, actually.
*That annoying little putz who tells her dad on radio to quit passing gas. And the asshole father who retorts, "That's right, pumpkin." Passing gas and nicknaming your girl, "Pumpkin." Just another reason why I want to listen to AM radio. Oy Vay.
*More KCBS: Deport asshole, foodie chap, Liam Mayclem. Like yesterday. What the hell does this guy do except eat free food and then guzzle about it on air? Seriously, Jack Swanson, it is really messing with the brand. Mayclem's hideous chortling and food orgasms would be better heard at a tea shack in the middle of Downtown Baghdad.
*Make otherwise decent Giants broadcaster Jon Miller refrain from saying, "So uh, " the thousands of times he says it on the post-game wrap and win a trip to Barstow.
*Make otherwise annoying Mike Krukow refrain from his pathetic and now, clearly uber-annoying, daily "IN THE SQUAT!" yap; hey Mike, you're getting paid good money and have a great gig; stop this incessant childlike blurt; we're not children listening from detention, we're grown-ass adults.
*Take Brian Murphy and his co-dependent mutant, "Powlie" and dump them in the Cumulus toilet then immediately scream, "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" Do the same function for penis man, John Lund, who wouldn't know a creative yarn if his life depended on it.
*Blowtorch every damn "update" read by every damn KNBR announcer, intern (the same thing) who broadcast "scores" from 24 hours earlier. Apparently, KNBR has never heard of the Internet.
*Snitch on Stanley Roberts who made an illegal U-turn on Van Ness the other day.
*Tell the white guy doing the weather on KRON that unless he were to magically turn into a young woman with big tits he's pretty much hopeless.
*Have lunch with Aaron Pero at Grumpys and right after the bill comes, begin screaming and yelling at the top of your lungs telling him what an asshole he is.
*While waiting to have your colonoscopy you see Alan Martin opening the 5. About the same sensation.
*In the middle of root canal hear Brian Copeland talk on the radio about his days growing up in San Leandro.
*Lock Justin Wittmayer in the Cumulus bathroom with John Lund and Mike Mcvay and make them listen to 680 hours worth of The Saloon.
*Stick a Rubik's cube in Paulie Mac's mouth and break his guitar in half.
*Tell Radnich if he talks about being married and having kids is a necessary function in life to make sure that cheating on your first wife wasn't on the menu.
*Drive Larry Baer to San Quentin and leave him there for inventing that cringe-worthy dreck known as "Giants Replay."
*Take Reggie Aqui to the SF Zoo and stick him in the elephant exhibit. Then tell the zookeeper to play "Night Fever" over the PA system.
*Want to piss off your in-laws royally? Make them watch KTVU's "The 4"--that should keep them away for at least six months.
*You have a horrible hangover; you haven't stopped vomiting; you feel like total shit; your face is ashen and swollen; you look like that old mug shot of Nick Nolte; WAIT A MINUTE! You just got done listening to the "Rich Uncles" spot read by Chip Franklin, or was it the Mercedes ad read by Ronnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn Owens.
*Go to Facebook and fuck with Frank Somerville: post a status update on his page about some guy in Utah who wants to ban selfies in the local mental hospital. Frank will then say "this is so wrong--it got to me, it really did--what do you think?" Within five minutes, Frank's 4000 sycophants will begin posting, "Thank You Frank, you are God!"
*Uh, pen letter to the afternoon guy on the FM Sports station: "Dear Damien"--that really, really, pisses him off.
*Uh, send e-mail to Canadian PD at "The Game" (95.7 FM) "Dear Mr. Kollins: Did you get 1 ratings in Montreal too?"
*Uh, send e-mail to Ted Griggs of CSNBA: "Dear Ted, why and how does Dan Dibley get on the live show--is it because he's white, vapid, boring, and resembles Opey?"
*Tweet Kate Scott: "Dear Kate, I saw your younger pictures on Google Images and my god, I almost thought there was something worse that listening to The Saloon!"
*Inflict terror in the household: turn up the volume and make your kids watch KRON's "Back Story."