Oh, the whining. The screams, the cries. And we haven't even mentioned Karl Rove yet, still shaking his head and probably concocting a IRS audit at a Fox News election number staffer. More on that later.
The early viewing on cable was a hard-nosed delve through the land of CNN, FNC, and MSNBC. I stayed mostly with Wolf Blitzer and company because I couldn't stand the thought of Meghan Kelley calculating why Mitt would soon bellow out that he'd already conquer the Florida panhandle. Nor did I look forward to hearing human bullhorn, Chris Matthews, shout that he'd been told by "my sources" that Ohio was awash in Obama voting improprieties, which even if true, (and I was a believer), I wanted no part of Matthews tired act.
So, I opted out for a full frontal force of Wolff Blitzer and John King and his computerized techo-board highlighting the Virginia counties that would pelt Mitt into perpetual Harold Stassen conversations, albeit with more capital.
As the afternoon turned into early evening and the states that were projected blue and red were to emerge true to form, (except Florida where as far as I know, the counting will conclude near Christmas), the results began coming in fast and furious. Nothing was official, of course--few precincts, "4% of the results in", yada, yada, yada, switch to Fox News and glance at Brett Baier's Beaver Cleaver act. At least Baier has the intellect, by FNC standards, to try to be objective and isn't seduced by the human boor, 1, Brit Hume, and 1A, Chris Wallace. Little did the Fox trifecta of Kelley, Baier, and Wallace know only a few hours later that Rove would fluster all of 'em with a cable meltdown of epic proportions; an event that appeared to have shaken the Murdoch cable palace and leave blondiful Kelley speechless. Double damn!
The first hint that Mitt was about to have a bad night: Michigan was projected as an Obama win, by Fox of all networks. But wait, there's more. Twenty minutes later, Fox was the first to declare Pennsylvania went for the President. Double damn! At this point, even Matthews and Rachel Maddow were too busy and excited glancing at their IPads so I meandered back over to CNN and was again treated to John King and Blitz Wolfer scoping out every northern Ohio county and contemplating the coming theatre of Wisconsin. By this time, the electoral model was eliciting absolutely no surprises. The polls were dead-on and the NY Times election version of Tom Brady, Nate Silver, was already doing interviews for Salon and MSNBC.
At twelve minutes past 8, local time, NBC, not MSNBC, but NBC News declared Obama the winner. Wham, bam, thank you maam! Then again, it's NBC, so I held off. Then again, even NBC, with its GE pedigree and Manhattan/Wall Street contacts, had to know something. They did. For a change they were first, and they were right, first.
Even Fox News reported the same. "Ohio goes to the President", bellowed a FNC "alert". "Wait!, not so fast, " chortled King Rove, wait on Ohio and don't be so sure. But Karl, uh, just why? Because according to Rove, it was way too early and to be "cautious." Not to back down, Rove went further even lecturing, on-air no less, to check the statistics and be careful. Cut to dead silence on the Fox news set. Dead silence. Awkward? More like flustered personified, enough to make Dick Morris look for a pair of female toes to suck on. (And Dick, nice call of a 'Romney landslide', was later seen munching on a cold pastrami with George Will at the Carnegie deli--wonder who bought?) The Rove spectacle was better than a theatre of the absurd--it sort of reminded me of a mini-freak-out session by Bill O'Reilly when "we're gonna go LIVE!--let's do it Live!" Priceless.
As Ohio was officially called, soon after, Wisconsin was in the Obama fold. Chicago hotel shots began to dominate the screens across the cable forum. Boston was quiet. Mitt was busy re-writing his "victory speech." The President was smelling re-election victory. Ho-hum. Maybe in the end, it wasn't so much an affirmation for Obama--more an out and out rejection of the Romney flip-flops, the out-of-touch billionaire who never captured the attention of Democratic, working-people core constituencies like women, young people, minorities, and independents. White men alone does not a victory make.
I eagerly awaited Wednesday morning. KSFO, the local right-wing-dominated GOP machine, was fast and furious with a trio of depressed performers. The Morning Show requisite name-calling and glib usage of "libs" gone bad was front and center. The mad scientist was positively disgusted, castigating an electorate that dared reject the ultimate Bain loser. At one point, he, SussMAN!, referred to Mr. Obama, the President, as the, "Skinny 'Socialist." This wasn't meant to be a joke, SussMAN!, the mad scientist, was serious. So too was his co-host who sounded so disgusted and belittled she had to hold back the venom that reeked inside her. I like Melanie Morgan, personally, and even though we disagree on just about everything, I was nonetheless, disappointed, even by Dickeyesque/Cumulus-controlled, KSFO and its drip-drip disregard for the office. The callous "traffic chick" who sounds like wallpaper on a Rembrandt, blurted out her usual banalities. If she truly mattered, I would have been severely pissed off, but her verbal jousts amount to nothing more than a horny carnival barker outside a North Beach strip club on a Tuesday. Pass the salt and pepper and enjoy the after-dinner mints.
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