A Long Time Ago In a Galaxy Far Far Away...

 RONN OWENS's ego was the size of the tip of a pin...

*Ross Palombo was selling shoes in Corte Madera

*All of KTVU's news anchors refused to become chit-chatters

*Jan Wahl fought off her last cheap Sleeptrain spot...and a cheeseburger too

*Veronica De La Cruz didn't twirl her hair every 3 minutes

*Allen Martin smiled

*So too Claudine Wong

*Frank Somerville waved off hair plugs

*Gasia Mikaelian found a conscience

*Mike Mibach found humility

*Bill Martin found a forecast

*Natasha Zouves found a un-Julia Child voice

*Reggie Aqui found himself

*Jon Bristow's head wasn't as big as a microphone

*Jennifer Jones-Lee aka JJ could broadcast a story without giggling

*Mel Baker could exist without gossiping to a well-known morning TV personality

*John Lund would refrain from telling penis jokes on the air

*Jason Middleton quit acting like a total asshole not to mention perpetually kissing Ronnnnnnnnnnn Owen's ass.

*Brian Copeland was funny

*Aaron Pero was warm and fuzzy

*Tracey Watkowski was cool and cuddly

*John Lobertini and Nikki Medoro were Steve and Eydie

*Dan Rosenheim didn't tell everyone under the sun he used to work at the Chronicle

*Dave Feldman from Comcast actually got a job with Comcast without having to tell Ted Griggs that he's tight with Jim Harbaugh

*Brian Murphy went an entire show on KNBR without saying, "UCLA", "dude", "yeah, yeah, yeah" and "Kate, what you got?!"

*Vern Glenn did a sportscast without using Gary Radnich mannerisms

*Gary Radnich was allowed to ride through the Tenderloin in his Bentley

*Audrey Cooper could write at least one editorial

*The Examiner could become relevant

*The Chronicle stopped playing kid gloves with Willie Brown

*The Chronicle stopped playing kid gloves with Ed Lee

*Chuck Nevius stopped writing stories about, A. his bike, B. bums around the Montgomery BART station, and C. bums around the Chronicle office

*The guy that likes to write, "ASS!" in Rich Lieberman's media blog took a vacation

*KRON didn't lose a weather woman every week

*KCBS didn't repeat stories 44 times an hour

*Dave Padilla didn't stumble on every other sentence

*KQED Forum Show had a program not having to do with lesbian tendencies, English scholars, Robert Redford documentaries, Philip Roth mentions, and the history of tofu

*Grumpy's modified their tuna melt

*Tommy's Joynt made lamb shanks available every day

*Tadich's waiters at the counter stopped acting like their farts don't stink

*Chip Franklin didn't sell everything but his first born

*Ronnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn Owens didn't tell us about him buying his wife a used Mercedes Benz over the weekend

*Larry Baer tried to get a statue done for Paulie Mac just for the hell of it

*Kate Scott washed her hands after doing a #2

*KRON moved the cameras back a foot so people could still watch their shitty newscasts

*Darya Folsom could say the word, "doughnuts" and nobody cackled

*Mark Ibanez could do his sportscast with his pants on

*KNBR interns didn't do Warriors' late-night post-game radio shows