Thursday, October 27, 2016

In a Nutshell

Image result for in a nutshell Just get to the point and tell it like it is ...In a nutshell:

*KQED: The most overrated piece of shit on local TV only slightly better than KRON's furniture commercials.

*KQED Radio: The audio version of TV with "Forum" as an added bonus if you like hearing a guy from Cleveland interview  authors that are about as exciting as watching paint dry.

*The SF Chronicle: All the excitement of a Millbrae 7-11. Plus an editor-in-chief who thinks daydreaming of Hunter Pence is journalistic prowess. If you were a guy, Herb Caen would have kicked your ass.

*SF Examiner: You still around? No wonder fish wrap is still cheap.

*KNBR: 6000 hours of bullshit commercials; enough bs "updates" of 24-hour-old sports "news" to fill the stomach of the Bay Area Sports Guy; freshly new, smarmy asshole, and ghastly co-host putz in the 3-7 PM slot who thinks penis jokes are hip--other than that, just a brilliant radio station.

*"Murph and Mac": so one day on your way to the colonoscopy redo, they told you they needed two extra exams. Even that is better than listening to these frat boy jerkoffs better suited for a Boise, Idaho orgy of guys who wear creepy clown faces.

*Kate Scott: If only I were blond, gay, a woman, and said nothing --absolutely nothing at all, I'd be able to take a #2 on Lee Hammer's desk and podcast it.

*The "Shower Hour": Where's Charles Manson when you need him.

*"Gary {Radnich} and Larry" {Krueger}: Three hours of jackoff radio minus the commercial onslaught; one guy talks about his kids and family as a personal moral compass even though he cheated on his first wife; the other guy talks out of both sides of his mouth and can't stand the Tenderloin guy's eternal stupidity.

*KGO Radio: Let's see, we fucked up one format, now let's fuck up another one! Daytime: boring hosts who think millennial assholes listen to AM radio; good programming: hiring cackling middle-aged white women to supplant said boring hosts; bonus point: Byron Allen is Ronnnnnnnnnn's radio beard, just damn genius!

*Chip Franklin: mud bath mixed with rotten, week-old oatmeal is more appealing than listening to this pedantic fraud.

*"Armstrong and Getty": Branson, Missouri stew laced with velveeta cheese, melba toast, wonder bread and chicken feces; more fake laughs than a taping of "KRON's Back Story"; two buttheads with annoying, idiotic voices with all the warmth of a Pygmy women convention at the Burlingame Hyatt.

*KTVU News: Kidnapped by the Fox people and have been transformed into the "Invasion of the Body Snatchers", Oakland edition.

*"The Nine": "Today on The Nine", Gasia talks to Dr. Baldy McAssAnal about the positives of farting out loud at grandma's house during Thanksgiving dinner!"

*"The Four": "Today on The Four, Heather talks to a crazy woman who made love to a canary because her boyfriend left her!"

*Heather Holmes: How great legs and snot got me to market# 6! Plus, how you too can look like a hot bulimic chick!

*Gasia Mikaelian: "Look at me!, Look at Me, darn, just look at me!" Gasia has a cool project for the coming week. She's going to spray bacon hairspray on some scrambled eggs with Rosemary and eat it. Then? Selfie Time!

*Ross Palombo: KTVU's astute political correspondent has been sent on assignment to cover Gregg Kelly's ass --details at 10!

*Reggie Aqui: ABC7 Special Report: "Hockey Men in Heat--I'll investigate."

*Tracey Watkowski-Silva: "It's a good thing I have those pictures otherwise I'd be in some dump in Fresno!" --Wait a minute...

*Darya Folsom: "Hey honey, for another 30 grand I could have looked like Adrienne Barbeau!"

*Aaron Pero: "Hey, just shut the fuck up, bitch, otherwise I'll start yelling and screaming at you like I do the other ones!"

*Ashley Gold-Messina: "Hey asshole, it's Ashley GOLD Messina, not Funky Cold Medina--Get it straight, prick!

*Bill Burton: Working on new book: "How I Tweeted with My Wife."

*Dave Feldman: His looks got him the gig.

*Rod Brooks: "And to think, I'm not even Irish!"

*Chef Ryan Scott: "You know, if I had to blow Ronnnnnn Owens, shit..."

*The Ass man: Shit happens.

*Stan the Commentator: Next mayor of Hayward.

*415 Media: "Now, see, send me some dough because if you don't you will never see shit like this in the Chronicle!"

*Jan Wahl: "I'm the white Whoppi Goldberg!" No Jan, just some overweight yenta that loved "Yentl"

*Brian Murphy: Larry Baer's bitch.

*Paulie Mac: Kate Scott's bitch with a fake New Jersey accent.

*John Lund: Oh, just shut the fuck up and rub faster, courtesy Twittmeyer Productions. PS: Tolbert hates you-- he's just fulfilling his contract.

*Tom Tolbert: Tommie, because of me, you have more beer money.

*Tim Roye: Hey, Tim, if you're gonna be thrown under the bus, might as well be Knibber dudes.

*Damon Bruce: Damon, you done good, that's a lot of overhead --shiksa supreme! PS: Make sure that check to Ben Fong Torres is good.

*Bay Area Sports Guy: Do you ejaculate over all your sports credentials?

*Ray Ratto: "Really, I'm not a curmudgeon at all, I actually look, sound and act like this 24/7--seriously, this is me!"

*Tim Kawakami: Between Flunkster Dude and Jed York, you're a certifiable star! The Japanese Walter Winchell.

*Ann Killion: I heard Jameis Winston bought you a tuna sandwich.

*Ben Fong Torres: About time for another Bay Area Radio HOF copy and paste piece.

*Rusty Simmons: Speaking of copy and paste, Russ, Al took care of you, he could have switched you to the 49ers beat.

*"The Audible" : With 29 cents and free 7-11 coffee, you too, can create a KNBR morning show!

*Don Kollins: Do you think "Townie" could become the next John Lund?

*Allen Martin: screw the caffeine, get back to Jack, Black.

*Gary Radnich: Your new autobiography: "Bentley in the Tenderloin."

*KCBS traffic slogan coming soon: "We have traffic and weather together, live from Chicago!"

*Natasha Zouves on line six:  "Maam, I swear I'm not Julia Child."

*Stanley Roberts: look for a white guy in a Bentley in West Portal.

*Bill Romanowski: I thought I was wired.

*Carl Steward: Care for some after-dinner mints?

*Mark Davis: Just move baby.

*Greg Papa: you and Mark Ibanez in a dark bar, happy hour: more overhead.

*Rich Lieberman: In the Joel Murray Witness-Protection Program.

24 comments:

  1. Heard the Texan traffic report this morning. Said ApTOSS, nit Aptos, must be from DULL ASS

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  2. If you were married to that little black fella you'd cruise the Tenderloin too.

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  3. *Rich Lieberman: Large hands, very modest.

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  4. KA-POW KA-POW KA-POW! Some of you may get tired of reading Dick's rants, but they're so true. Fatto is the world's biggest grump. It's because he's insecure. He hasn't seen his feet since the Giants hosted the 1984 All-Star Game. Steward is another sour puss. He needs to eat less lemons. This is way too funny, yet so true.

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  5. KNBR is done, MAJOR mistake kissing Larry Baer and the Giants ass and not broadcasting GSW playoff games...Fitzgerald, who the hell wants to listen to him? Same with Lund, both are simply horrible...

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  6. *Brian Murphy: Larry Baer's bitch.
    Very true.
    Everyone sees it, except Murph.

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  7. KQED radio is essential. How else are we going to learn about the oppressed group du jour? If it weren't for that station, who would we turn to for our daily lesson titled: "Today's reason that you need to feel guilty, and why more government is the cure." And of course, without KQED radio, who would bring us up to speed on the latest feminist novelists and poets? Long live KQED.

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    1. Charles and the Ass ManOctober 27, 2016 at 4:29 PM

      Charles & I thank you, Rich. My Ass is honored to be here.

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    2. Yes KQED radio is great for reporting the hard luck situations of members of underprivileged groups. And they have a cast of reporters that can just get their whinny voice to that exact pitch that I don't give a rats ass. I suppose it's great to hear about so many underprivleged folks while your sip your special latte...Yep those poor bastards deserve to live the way they do.

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  8. rod ''doesent act TOO 'black' '' brooks.

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    1. Famous story when Willie Mays was introduced to Rod Brooks Mays was shocked to learn Brooks was black.

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    2. Not bad 2:33pm. A pretty good post for a Friday morning.

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  9. well, at least KQED is not running strings of commercials every 2 minutes like KGO. AM radio is dead. Just listen to Phil Hendrie podcasts!

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    1. All sarcasm aside, I concede that your comment regarding the absence of commercials is a good point.

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  10. 415 quip of the week-- the warriors lost because the static from 95.7 interrupted the play calls.

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  11. MARK DAVIS part2: He actually thought Shelly was going to GIVE him 600 mill so he could just collect rent the few years of his life???? LOL. He wants OWNERSHIP..
    Snookered,hook line and sinker was Marky. Now lets see Mark turn that down and 700 mill of taxpayer money.
    Shell saw the rube Mark from 1,000 miles away!

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  12. Oh yeah. We got the BEST weather,water in the bay area I tell you!
    Just make sure you like walks in the daylight...

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  13. Certainly entitled to your opinion, but you may be a little too hard on some of these media folks Rich. PBS's KQED TV and NPR's KQED Radio provide most of my on-air tv watching and radio listening experience. And NPR provides most of my audio podcast listening. Both PBS and NPR do a pretty good job at providing interesting and semi-commercial free content. When they fail to do so, for TV viewing I always have DVD's of old movies or old TV shows to fall back on. For on-air radio listening, if the NPR station interviews another poet-laureate, I'll see what Ronn is talking about, or if nothing there, tune to KCBS. KCBS seems to always have something interesting, and is my go-to station of last resort. I should say that I resort to the last resort quite a lot. I can't say I differ w/your opinion however about Chip Franklin or the early morning duo recent to KGO: Un-listenable.

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  14. Tonight at 10pm on KTVU: A Ross Palumbo feature on the GROSSEST things found on bay area mass transit! There was a teaser at 6pm, including a story of a BART rider watching a woman pee between two train cars, then slithering slug-like up onto a seat on the same train. And somebody saw a kid shooting up heroin right next to someone's defecation! KTVU promises to top this dinner time appetizer with a bigger meal of a story at 10pm. Wash your hands before you touch that remote! It's not infectious, it's in-FOX-tious!

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  15. KNBR's Joe Hughs has the largest set of brown lips in the media. They are able to plug into Radnich ass.

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    1. But don't worry Joe. Nobody but me notices yer smooching. Just me. Only me. Not one listener or co worker. None.
      Only me.

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  16. Charley is busy at the moment, but I hear Squeaky is available.

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  17. Tell KRON'S 70 YEAR OLD Sports Director,that bragging about his sex life only makes people laugh at what must be the opposite- nothing-LOL. See?
    His wife is climbing the walls every time Lodes talks to her. So obvious.

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