Why I loathe KNBR and am taking it easy on KRON; Monday pulse

A BIG PART of the job of being a media critic is NOT liking things.

Frequently, I have called out both KNBR 680, (1050 has more legs and is actually listenable) and KRON-TV.

To continue to flog KRON is not fair; after all, this is a company whose corporate owner recently went BK, (and recently re-emerged out of it); I have no urge to step on ants and tear the wings off of flys. KRON is what it is, to borrow a trite phrase, so while I sit idly by and see all the goofiness on local TV's version of The Gong Show, at least KRON has an excuse. I mean, why pile on?

And then there's KNBR.

What else can I say? A lot.

People ask me if I have a "vendetta?" No. A lot of the anonymous commenter's inquire  that "you must have been "fired" at KNBR, (no).

Here's my favorite: "Nobody reads you--you're just have an axe to grind." (The same people who say 'nobody reads you are some of the most frequent posters)

So, why do I rip KNBR so much?

Well, where do we begin.

First off, I have never worked at KNBR. Unlike KRON, they're worth going after because they are so bad now they're good. If you ever feel bad about yourself, give a listen to almost anything on KNBR and you'll feel better about yourself. Seriously.

Look, I'm no day at the beach, but I got a pulse. I'm there even if occasionally my mind wanders a bit, but even moi isn't in the KNBR Love Canal. Remember the Love Canal? That's the 21,000 acres of toxic waste near Niagara Falls that was infamous in the late 70's. Toxic waste or the KNBR "morning show". Which is worse? More on that later.

KNBR is like cheesecake when you're supposed to go on a diet. A sort of guilty pleasure which is why I listen because just when you think it couldn't get any worse, it gets worse and worser and worserer. Like a trip to the dentist to get root canal, but at least you can get the gas and dream about Amanda Peet.

KNBR is Janet Reno in a mini-skirt.

In the morning, they have alleged hosts who pretend to be funny. If you got a dollar bill as many times as the morning show "hosts" said "dude", you'd be a multi-millionaire. You could retire and lounge in Buffalo and buy a round for people in Modesto at Grumpy's. Not the Grumpy's in the city, (the best tuna sandwich in SF)

Brian Murphy and "Paulie Mac", (the latter, who has a fake New Jersey accent) are alleged morning "talent", but are not that talented. Their idea of funny is playing endless sound effects, drops, schnops, whatever...actually I think that's the reason why "Paulie" is employed at the morning zoo--so he can play his sound board so Cumulus doesn't have to hire another engineer.

Last week, I called out "Murph" for playing the sound "drop" of a barking dog while noting that Bruce Bochy's pooch had to be put down. Technically, I found out it was actually a "producer" who played the barking dog audio, so I owe the UCLA alum "dude" a bit of a mulligan, then again, Cumulus only pays roughly $9-an-hour to producers, (who sometimes fill in as "updater's", twitterers, coffee barista's) so what are you going to do.

There are those who like thee sports leader; I know they're out there somewhere, lots of truck drivers, plumbers, Steve Moskowitz, Larry Baer, but the vast majority of citizens here don't care to listen. I know for one that most women don't listen to knibber because knibber's sales staff think only young ball dudes that drink a lot of beer and call the Giants post-game show with Mikey Urban and complain about the lack of bunting. Women don't get off on that and KNBR doesn't really care too; after all, we're talking about guys, sports, beer, boobs, and numbers, ratings.

Tank!

Dude, even the ratings have taken a free fall on knibber. The A25-54 demos that knibber gravitates to are way down the pike--like, dude, think of a "Supertrain" of radio kinda pike. Well, at least they got the Giants, Niners and Warriors, (nice weekend, btw, 'Gints)

So in the morning, you get this: 18,000 sound "drops", 51,231 passes to "P-Con", (the wingman of the morning show who also caddies for the 9-Noon guy) bizarre stories that segway into other stories that segway into another round of stories and so on and so on...that's the beginning, not the end.

Then there's countless UCLA references, (Murph makes it a point to plug UCLA--always good to do that while "hosting" a morning radio show in Northern California); oh, Murph and Mac like to talk to "Kwoop and "Kwipe" about the Giants, in between the sound effects and sports updates, anchored by "Dibs", who actually is a good guy and a decent voice in spite of his KNBR gig; "Dibber" likes to play golf, actualities, (without crediting the announcers) and be the overall straight man to the "wacky Murph and 'Mac."

Nine to noon, its the "Gary Radnich show." Gary doesn't talk about sports much; he likes to talk about himself, "Dibs", "P-con" and also is a part-time therapist who tells his listeners that if you don't have kids and weren't brought up by a family, that, well, you really haven't got a life and should go hold yourself and "blog."

Oh, Raddy hits a homer every now and then with his Tony Bruno segment, but lately is back to ripping bloggers he claims he never reads; rates various female rappers of their upper wares even though he claims he's a "family man" and gives numerous shout-outs to his other caddies like, Mychael Urban, Frank Paul Santangelo, "Dick Zinn", Willie Brown, Larry Baer, (they're all "just great")

Rabinnowich has been doing a lot of cable work lately because he's one of the last KRONers and he has a lot of "overhead." Be careful, dibs, of Gary because if he perceives you as a threat, it's "bye-bye!", (Ask Pete Liebengood and Tom Nettles.)

Gary indirectly credits me by proxy, (blogs) but was told and memoed by management to "not talk about Lieberman"; but he can't help himself, its so bad that he has to use the "barrista" to perform his venting. That's OK, I can handle the coffee guy as long as he doesn't show me his pay stub; at that point, the pity card gets me. Dang!

For the 900th time, can I tell you more stuff about the Noon-3 guys or as one of my minions call them the gruesome-twosome. "Schlitz and Books" or "Rudy and the angry LSU guy" are so bad, they're bad. They used to be so bad they were good, but that went out the door many moons ago.

How they continue to lumber on escapes me but something tells me they'll be a unforeseen Cumulus purge and they'll be the first out. Rudy, (he's to Notre Dame what Murph is to UCLA) likes to laugh at his own jokes, a lot; my last over-under on his cackles amount to about 500 a show, (take the over); then there's his "partner-in-crime", Rod Blooks, eh, Brooks, the angry man who once, (seriously, I'm not making this up) on the air confronted an on-air guy after a post game 49ers show. That's good knowledge, I know.

The angry man is angry for no apparent reason but one can assume maybe he doesn't have the Fitz/Brooks "mojo."

From 3-7PM knibber actually goes legit-mode with the Razor and Mr. T, (Ralph Barbieri and Tommy Tolbert) Yeah, Razor does way too many pizza ads and shows up at 2: 59 but at least he's got some gusto; ditto Tolbert, although the 12,324 Arizona references are beginning to wear; Tommy has insights on the Vegas tipsters, wrestling, NBA and Hondas, Sleeptrain, McDonald's, the whole meghillah.

Razor and Mr. T like to talk to Ray Ratto of the Chronicle too. A lot. Speaking of writers.

Many a writer don't ever criticize knibber because they like appearing on the various shows. That's a quick ticket off the thee sports leader, but in the press box and on the blogs, lots of writers, cab drivers, plumbers, criminals, et all like to make fun of knibber--why? Because they can. Have you ever listened?

Finally, at night, there is Frank Paul. Used to be a Giant and that's big at KNBR because he's a ballplayer and Larry Baer likes mature ball dudes to plug the local nine, especially when the home team gets swept by the A's at that crappy old Coliseum over there in Oakland, (Memo to KNBR production staff: never make fun of the east-bay guys who may have "crickets" for fans, but look rather splendid outscoring the beloved Giants, who score a run in 27 innings--bad timing indeed)

Frank Paul is getting better on radio and knows Eric Byrnes and Eric Chavez a alot--presumably that's what got him the gig there, because the guy he replaced was sort of cool, but dare ripped into the Gigantes and was sent to radio Siberia.

At this point, O'Reilly would give me the last word and all I would say is that I hope you understand my position now. Remind me to tell you that I don't work for KTRB, (save those comments) am not "salty balty", never sold Amway, (but did sell cars and make six figures), don't have toe fungus, and as of late, have never bought any Viagra.

Listening to KNBR is a way to brighten my day up; even those days when I was depressed and was thinking about swallowing a case of shamwows, but with advice from Steve Moskowitz and Amy G, decided to back down and listen to real estate shows and hooked on golf. Then, amazingly, I felt a whole lot better.

808-KNBR, your thoughts?


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