Hey, I can be a pundit too!--'Oh please!

Most people growing up want to be doctors, lawyers, teachers, baseball players, entertainers, even politicians too.

Not me.

I'm begging to be a cable pundit. Yeah, I know that's sort of limited, but the cash is good and at least I know what I'm talking about and could blow away the competition, but I have some some issues.

For one, I'm not as wholesome as Tucker Carlson; not as gorgeous as Amy Holmes, (gawd, she's hot!,) not as smart as David Gergen, and not as loud as Chris Matthews. Yeah, I know Matthews is technically not a pundit, be he shouts a lot, therefore he's automatically in the lifetime pundit club. If you shout a lot, you get instant gravitas in the pundit club and at least 4 shots a week on the Hannity show, provided of course you think Obama sucks at just about everything, (Lately, Sean has disinvited ALL libs to the 'Great American panel.)

In the cable backrooms, producers like pundits that stick out; I stick out quite a bit, but I don't have the allure of say, Newt Gingrich. Newt is kind of ugly, (in pundit terms,) but since he was once a Speaker of the House, he gets by and thus, his 16, 865 appearances on Fox News is second only to another ugly duckling, toe-sucker supreme and political guru, Dick Morris, an ace pundit; hell, for all I know, Morris does three things in life: lives at Fox News, blames everything on Obama, and while living at Fox News, is a member of the lifetime Bill O'Reilly/Sean Hannity pundit club.

I'm fat and ugly, but I can speak out loud on a variety of things; how the TV news business is going to hell; the absurdity of the Internet; why CNN sucks, (there goes my gig with Howard Kurtz); and when Howard Stern finally comes to his senses and gets back into terrestrial radio.

OK, so I'm not Ann Coulter, but last I checked, she's sort of out of the loop. And this Roland Martin guy on CNN? Oh yeah, I get it, but seriously, America could use a guy like me who yearns badly for a shot on O'Reilly; hey, I'm negotiable, I'd even consider two minutes with Rick Sanchez! ("Dude, uh, 'Mr. Lieberman, you know I had you on to talk about cable, and you keep bringing THAT up!.") Yo, Rick, its cool, no need to worry, get me on and I'll stick to script--no surprises, I swear.

OK, its off my chest. I got it out.

My path to greatness is not a date with Halle Berry. I don't need an IPad, nor even five minutes with Warren Buffet or Donald Trump. "I got your apprentice right her!"

I want to be a pundit. My gift to humanity.

That's all.

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